the reality

There is simplicity etched in this poem about something so complex and real. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>

Hi Torrie <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="25" height="20" alt="" title="Hi!"/>,

Stumbling upon this beautiful poem made my day. And I'm wondering why so little people faved this 'garbage', as you call it and I don't believe. (This piece deserves so much more recognition and so much more love. Could you consider submitting it to literature groups like #theWrittenRevolution? Pretty please?)

I really hope you'll like this critique and hopefully, some of my suggestions might help. Also, please note that this critique consists of merely my opinions and suggestions so you don't have to agree with them! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/g/g…" width="17" height="15" alt="" title="Giggle"/>

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<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="" title="Bullet; Blue"/> Title

'the reality of fairytales and love' seems to be an 'okay' title but I think we can find a more suitable one.

A title should give some insight to the story but also, not be too revealing. Your current title seems to be a summarization of the last lines of each strophe in your poem and I think that gives away a little too much.

Try to come up with a more subtle and maybe a little less boring title. If you were to ask me, I would have called it: 'Reality - without sugar coating' but that's just my opinion.

Don't stress over titles too much though; they are important but not as important as the poem/story itself.

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<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="" title="Bullet; Blue"/> Interpretations/Content

- Strophe 1 (i. this is no ordinary boy meets girl...)

I adore the links you make to fairytales/princess stories - Cinderella, Little Mermaid and Sleeping Beauty, I presume.

This immediately gives readers a clue on what the poem will be about, especially to readers who have know of the mentioned stories. Good job! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/c/c…" width="20" height="20" alt="" title="Clap"/>

You end it with a line that summarizes the whole strophe: this is no fairytale.

However, I would personally prefer it if you took the last lines of the strophes and chunked them at the end of the whole poem. This is merely just a suggestion so you don't have to agree with it though. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>

Overall, once I read the starting, I am compelled to read more! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title="Thumbs Up"/>

- Strophe 2 (ii. this is steaming hot coffee poured...)

I like your descriptions of everyday disasters and happenings; it elegantly wraps up 'life' and 'reality' in just a few lines. The line breaks are a little iffy here though - I'll be addressing that issue later on in my critique.

- Strophe 3 (iii. it's up a down escalator)

Your first line blatantly contradicts itself, so much so that I fall in love with. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/f/f…" width="18" height="17" alt="" title="I think I've fainted."/> It's absolutelystunningandwonderfulandinnovateandlovely! (Sorry for that rant there: it is most definitely one of my favourite parts of your poem.)

I somehow feel like breaking up this strophe and explaining it phrase by phrase, line by line; I don't know why. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="19" height="19" alt="" title="Shrug"/> (And I shall follow that compulsion. Feel free to tell me I'm wrong if I interpret anything stupidly. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Lick)"/>)

it's up a down escalator and running from mall security: before; when you were hectic and still single

it's one knee and a tearful yes: marriage proposal; your husband going down and one knee and you accepting his request

it's twenty five years and four kids later: after your marriage; twenty five years have passed since and you now have four children

You have no idea how much I love these phrases with hidden meanings just beneath the skin! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/e/e…" width="18" height="15" alt="" title=" by darkmoon3636"/> Yet another one of your strengths. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Big Grin)"/>

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="" title="Bullet; Blue"/> Technique/Style

1. Repetition

'there is no', 'this is' and 'it's' are words/phrases that are constantly repeated. One of my favourite techniques of poetry. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>

2. Formatting - Line breaks

Like I mentioned somewhere (probably in the upper part of my messy critique <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Lick)"/>), the line breaks of your second strophe are slightly weird.

I am aware that some people deliberately do 'unique' line breaks (and I like them some of the time) but I think you have taken yours too far.

Let's take a look at a short poem by a very talented writer, *beautyinreview. [link]

She formats her poem in this way:

the river is running
dry, clay bed cracking,
thirsty.

When most people would format it like this:

the river is running dry,
clay bed cracking thirsty.

Personally, I feel that her line breaks are more powerful compared to mine, mainly because they emphasize on the words 'dry' and 'thirsty'.

My opinion is that you should be aware of how the way you format your writing will affect its overall meaning; because I'm not sure what purpose your formatting in the second strophe serves, I would suggest you format it the 'mainstream' way. (Please remember that this is only my opinion so you are in no way obliged to change your line breaks because of what I said.)

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I had a wonderful time critiquing this poem and I sincerely hope that you'll love it to bits and pieces.

You've done a fantastic job but there is still some room for improvement.

Good luck and keep writing! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title="Thumbs Up"/>

P.S. One last thing, I demand that you get the 'this is garbage' part out of your comments or I shall tear you to shreds!

Have a nice day,
Raven <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="38" height="15" alt="" title="Hug"/>